life lesson #1: you are in control of more things than you realize or acknowledge

hello, blog readers,

i have no shoot to share, no pictures to post, no promo to..well, promote. 

i was getting the feeling to write in my new journal of the year (which was bought in jan. and never written in, yet) and wanting to write because the last couple weeks have been so stressful. the idea of buying the journal and start journaling again (i have been journaling since 3rd grade when i received my first diary, all with a heart key and lock!). my goal was to....(drum roll) WRITE THE STORY OF MY LIFE...starting from right now. the idea was to leave something behind for my son(s); yes, i believe i will have all sons. i wanted them to know the journey that i am experiencing, just trying to "have" them. i guess the reason why i haven't written in it yet is that because i write so much about what's going on in my lil' head here on my blog. my blog is almost like my journal. almost. (i tried to videotape myself...but that was a little nerve wracking, talking to myself)

today, i'm feeling hopeful. with a dash of melancholy. 

today i wanted to blog, but i didn't have anything photography related to say. but i wanted to get out what i wanted to say....which is that...

there is hope. 

oh...and faith. 

my father and uncle are both recovering from their medical scares of the last 6 weeks. thank you, God! it's so good to see them both smiling and laughing, and walking without a cane or walker in a long time. recovering well...knock on wood.

my health is hopefully turning over a new leaf. since sat., i have been better about remembering to take my diabetes meds and check my blood sugars. the doctor told me that she will start me on insulin shots in two weeks. i am nervous. not about the needles, although that was my initial reaction, but more about what this means to my health. this is definitely going to slow me down and change my lifestyle. the only thing i can do is stay positive, and do what's best for me. doc says that she still discourages us from conceiving right now, until my blood sugar is stable, and i'm healthier. i am looking forward to june, when i see her, and report that i have managed and controlled this disease, and that i am at least 10% lighter. the doctor said to cut out parts of my busy schedule. at first i was like, no way!! i LOVE my business! i LOVE my clients and i love what i do for them. no way am i going to sacrifice something that makes me genuinely happy. but i  know what she means. i need to make time to take care of myself so that i can do the things that make me happy.

thank you to those that have chimed in and given me encouragement. j. says that he wants me to be healthy first, before even thinking about having babies. babies or not, he says that he wants me to be healthy and live long, and grow old with him. i have to remember that i am in control of more things than i realize or acknowledge. i guess this is part of the journey.

day at the doctor's

so i went to my regular check up/follow up with my doctor about my diabetes. i was very nervous but also looking forward to talking with my doctor, and "facing the music," as they say. a week ago, i took some blood tests, and it was not good news. well, my busy lifestyle, and bad habits finally caught up with me. it has taken its toll on my liver and kidneys. my doctor says that i need to give up, or cut down something in my lifestyle. it's difficult, because both j. and i still have our "day" jobs, and our business, which is a full-time job in itself. we don't want to give up our business because we absolutely LOVE what we do, and what we do for our clients. we love being a part of people's joyous moments. we love meeting new people, and we've been so blessed with meeting such nice, friendly, and cool people. we are not ready to give that up.

what i'm thinking is that i need to make small "cuts" in my lifestyle, and more effort to really take time out for myself, whether it be taking a walk, spending an afternoon cooking a special dinner for myself and my husband, turning up the music in the house and cleaning/dancing, reading magazines on the couch, etc. i think it's those little things that will make an impact on my health. it has been a struggle to accomplish this.

i found myself getting teary-eyed up before the appointment, everything finally hitting me, that this is my health. this is me. i need to do something about it. j. was there, and the doctor walked in, while i was having this emotional moment, and as j. put it, the doctor looked at him, like he was Chris Brown (the singer that is allegedly accused of beating his girlfriend and singer, Rhianna). i quickly explained...i don't know if it was also because in the last couple months, there has been serious medical drama with my relatives, but i was scared of the doctor was going to say. j. thought i was crying because the nurse asked me to take my shoes off so the doctor can inspect my feet, and i was nervous because i haven't had a pedicure for more than a month (ok...that was part of the reason i was crying. i'm self conscious about my feet, ok?)

she, of course, told me that i have to cut down on my schedule, take time out to take my meds, and check my blood sugar regularly, as well as exercise and eat healthy. sigh...she did not want to prescribe me insulin because she felt that i needed to get back on track and on schedule with my meds. in three months, she wants to see improvement, so we can talk about fertility again. so that's the goal. we want to see improvement, as well, for ourselves, our future, baby or no baby.

i'm so glad j. was there. he takes good care of me and i could not ask for more. i need to take care of myself, so i can take care of us. i want to get back to the person who i was...no...i want to be a new, and improved me.

how do you take time out for yourself? please leave a comment! would love to hear from ya!

wake up call

remember the post that i said i needed to take care of me this year? well, after this weekend, that means more than just an empty resolution. i think i aged a year or two from a recent medical scare.

today i went to the hospital because the night before, out of the blue, the back of my head was throbbing. i felt like someone was hitting my head with a bat over and over again. the pain was excruciating to me because i didn't want to do anything but hold my head between my hands. i felt like my head was going to burst. after the encouragement (and scare tactics and worst case scenarios) of my brother, i decided to go to the hospital first thing in the morning, if the headache didn't go away. now, blog readers, i normally don't get headaches, except for hangover headaches if i'm not careful (but that's another post, another day), so i did think the benefit of the doubt that maybe, maybe i was overreacting because i had never felt a "real" headache before. i don't take headache medicine, only when i have a fever. so i don't have anything to compare it to. for instance, last summer, i experienced heartburn for the first time. i've never had heartburn, so i thought i was dying. literally. i literally felt like passing out. i didn't know if it was heartburn or cramps (which i've never had before, either...i know,  i know, not looking forward to child labor, folks). so in short, i'm a big baby. but my brother reminded me that we've known many people that have died or hospitalized with aneurysms, so that was enough to scare me straight to the hospital. 

we got to the hospital, and waited for hours, of course. people entering with limps, bandaged limbs (and a toe), wheelchairs, shivering under blankets and hoodies, and there's.....me. 

"what is the reason for your visit?" the clerk asks.

 "i have a...headache." i think she was trying not to roll her eyes. so i tried to explain:

"this is a different headache, a very rare headache that simply needs special medical attention, because i'm not a headache person, and this headache brought me to tears, and...and...i don't really stress..well, i mean, people tell me not to stress, and ...well, i do have blood pressure meds, but i have to tell you the truth i don't take it all the time..not because i don't want to, it's just that i sometimes forget, blah blah blah."

at this time i realize i'm wasting this lady's time. she doesn't want to hear my sob stories. i quickly shut up and wait. and wait. and then...wait some more. and then, re-enact my dialogue with the nurse, as she starts to take my vitals, and learns very quickly that in less than 5 minutes of my rant, that i haven't been taking care of myself, not eating right, not taking my meds like i should, that i don't even know the name of the medication that i'm on (i quickly pointed to the computer screen and said it's all in 'there').

then, i saw the doctor, and she was this cool lookin' rocker chick. i started to rant again, and she knew that she needed to quickly control this conversation. j., my husband, was there, and she asked him, 

"did you notice anything out of the ordinary when she first had this headache?"

 j. said, "no, she was just walking into the street, i'm thinking she's going to get hit by a car. she seemed like she was just walking around, not knowing where she was, and refusing to follow me to the car, and she just kept on saying her head hurts and she started crying..." 

oh yeah...j., that's me, being normal. hello? this doctor must think i'm a crazy, drama queen, if this is normal?! tell her i'm NOT normally like this! help me out here!

so, long story short...i know this is already longer than it should, they ran a CT scan for good measure, and found no evidence of ruptured blood vessels in my brain. hallelujah! the doctor said that i should be taking my blood pressure meds, like i should, and to.....relax. 

i really can't believe something like this is caused by stress. i wasn't in a stressful environment. i was at a family party, having a great time, singing and laughing. i really don't know what triggered it. but anyhoo, it was a scare, nonetheless. i don't want to ever be in that predicament or worse again. so i need to be better about taking care of myself. 

j. and i talked about it, and we both believe that trying to conceive a baby is probably not the best time right now. we both really need to take care of our health, before this baby comes. so, i'm going to work on relaxing, and not taking on too much. that will be a challenge. but if it's for my health, it's a serious "must do." as i was trolling the streets last night, as j. described it to the doctor, all i kept thinking was, i don't want to die. there's too many things i want to do. i don't ever want to think that again. i don't want to think that there's too many things i haven't done. 

so, blog readers, make a commitment to put your Self back on your to-do list. you're worth it. (and you don't want to go through this crazy situation, like i did!)

and that's my 2 cents

thank you for the kind thoughts

thank you everyone for giving us much support, love, and positivity, on our road to....wherever God leads us. we feel blessed and feel the love through your emails, thoughts and words. we are taking one day at a time to first and foremost (and everyone should, too) take care of our health. if we are meant to be blessed with a healthy baby(s), it will happen in due time, when we're ready. when God feels we're ready. 

living with diabetes

in our journey to have our "miracle baby," doc tells me that i have diabetes. the funny thing was that he thought i already knew i had it. he tells me that diet, exercise, and medication will lower my blood sugar, so i don't worry. when i put my mind on something, i stick to it. so getting over the initial shock, i pull myself up by the boot straps, and move forward and make an appointment with a regular doctor to be treated for diabetes. 

well, that was last week. 

i saw my regular doctor to be prescribed for these meds they are talking about, which apparently i will be taking for approximately 14 days. why only 14 days? well, because she is prescribing that i go on insulin. yikes.

now, everyone that knows me, knows that i'm such a scaredy cat for pain. i've avoided needles, as much as i can, that i really think i need professional hypnotizing or acupuncture to get over. needless to say, i push myself through the whole needle thing, especially since i have to prick myself and check my blood sugar 2 times a day. but insulin injections, 4 times a day? sigh. i know. 

the explanation is this. the meds, diet and exercise will help lower my blood sugar to normal range, most definitely. doc says that once it's down and i test out as such, he will start my treatment for fertility. the problem is, once i get pregnant, everything goes up, meaning: blood sugar, blood pressure. in the event that i am pregnant, i cannot take diabetic medicine. it's gotta be insulin. so....regular doctor says it doesn't make sense to do meds when i'm trying to get pregnant. double sigh.

so...

what's my feeling on all this change?well...i have to be an adult about it. i want to be healthy. i want to have a good quality of life. i love what i get to do now, like live my life's passion to be an educator and a photographer, that if i want to continue what i've got, i need to take care of my health. with or without baby. and....well, if it's with baby, i want my baby to be healthy, as well. 

i feel pretty young, considering i'm in my mid-30's (yes, 36 is still MID). with no children of my own, i feel pretty youthful. there are only a few regular moments in my life when i "feel" adult: 1)paying mortgage, 2)paying property taxes, 3)paying taxes, and...now, 4)managing my diabetes (hey, at least it's not another bill, right?). 

so the journey continues...

another TTC update

well, went to the follow up consultation with the fertility dr., whom which, i'm starting to grow an "admiration" for, (i don't know why...he's very blunt, honest, straight forward, and doesn't sugar coat anything), and we had some good news and some...not great news.

i always start w/ the "not so great" news, first. i tested diabetic. my glucose reading was at 173 and my hemoglobin is 9 (normal ranges, respectively are 80-120, 5-7). so i have to be treated for diabetes before he treats me for fertility. reason is there is higher risk and chance of the baby(ies) having birth defects.

the good news is that all my other tests, (well, blood pressure is questionable, it's been recording as high) were good. the ultrasound, the xrays, and the other blood work. johnny, too. i'm kinda happy about that.

i know i can manage my diabetes. i'm not too worried about it. i know i can bring it down. i have to go back to meet w/ a diabetic specialist to prescribe meds. once my blood sugar and hemoglobin go down to at least 127, and less than 7 (hemoglobin), the doctor will see us again and prescribe treatment(s).

i told j. that i noticed my blood pressure and sugar levels have gone up since i got married. hmmm...he thinks it's not a correlation at all.

so i'm hoping in about 4 months we'll be able to go back to my fertility dr. and be ready to "do this." (holding my breath).

TTC updates

j. and i went to our first fertility consultation last mon. it was really nerve wrecking. basically, he's in the clear. let's just say he's been considered "above average" by the doc. me, on the other hand, well, there's some work laid ahead of me. and apparently, many tests. i have to work on losing weight, eating healthy, and managing high blood pressure and blood sugar. that's not it (if that wasn't enough, already),  i have to get an ultrasound (which is today), a histogram (where they do an x-ray and shoot a "contrast," or dye, to see if there's any blockage in the reproduction pipes, per se), a blood fasting test, and also, go to the dentist. doc says that periodontal disease may affect fertility. yeah, i read or heard that somewhere. 

out of all the tests, i'm dreading and most scared of the dentist. anyone that really knows me, knows that i'm terrified of dentists and dental work. i'm freaking out. there is a real clinical phobia of dentists. yes. it's based on a past experience when a doctor did not listen to your needs as a patient, and therefore you went through a lot of pain. that's me! i won't go into it now, but it was pretty gruesome, in my book, and that memory is burned in my head. 

so, today i go to get my ultrasound. wish me luck. 

TTC

hey, readers:

i don't know if this is TMI (too much information), but here goes. it is a web log, right? anyway, if it is TMI, then skip this entry.

well, j. and i are TTC (trying to conceive). and we are in the initial stages of....that.

we went to infertility orientation class, and received a lot of info on how to better our chances to be pregnant. it didn't get me as stressed as i thought it would. we actually went to an orientation class before, and i remember being stressed out. it takes about 6-8 weeks to get an appt. w/ a consultant at the hospital. i guess there's a high percentage of people that are having difficulty getting pregnant. so, right now, we're on the whole body improvement thing, and taking our vitamins. we figure, if we have a healthier lifestyle, like eating right, working out, and losing weight, with infertility treatment, and prayer (belief, hope, faith), it will happen for us. i don't feel that stressed, but i have to admit, after the nurse kept on harping on how 35 is the WORST age to try to get pregnant, (which is my age, i might add), was a little discouraging and annoying at the same time.

i guess that's why i love photographing babies, and children. i feel good documenting the growth of these children. one day they will be having children of their own and photographing them.

so keep us in your thoughts and prayers and send us all the good vibes and love...we need it!